Day 15 - Love is Honorable

Live with your wives in an understanding way . . . and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.
—1 Peter 3:7

An understanding way. Live with your wife in an understanding way. That's a lot of what needs to change in our relationships. Just simply deal with your wife on a level of being understanding. And show her honor.

Try to understand what she is thinking when she does something the "wrong" way. Perhaps it really isn't wrong but just not the way you'd do it. And too often we feel the need to "coach" our wives, help them see our way is really the best way. That kind of talking down to her or even worse, lecturing her, is not showing her honor as a fellow heir, or in other words, not respecting her as an equal in the eyes of God.

Peyton Manning, Michael Vick, Ben Roethlisberger - different styles of quarterback. Which is the wrong style? Trick question. They all have a great style and ability to win games. Any head coach who tried to change their style would be considered crazy. And they wouldn't be appreciated by the player they were trying to "help" either. It would be dishonoring to their gifts, their abilities.

It's kind of the same thing with our wives. You like to clean the kitchen as you go, she likes to just get dinner prepared and worry with the dishes all at once. You like to put the kids' socks on before their pants, but she thinks pants first is best. And even one of my pet peeves, whether the toilet paper should roll off the top or underneath the roll (is there any question?)

Who's wrong? No one. When you get that, really get that, your wife will begin to see you as a much more understanding husband.

TODAY’S DARE

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your wife today that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be reversing the roles by putting her clothes away, or something else she normally does for you. It may be doing something "her way" just to show her you respect her ideas about things. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show her that she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Day 14 - Love Takes Delight

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life.
—Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB

"Enjoy life..." Some of you workaholics need to read those first two words again and again. Let it be your motto today. ENJOY life.

But all of us need to hear the next three words over and over again: "with the wife." Say it: "with the wife." Think about it - what does that mean? "Enjoy life with the wife"

Remember why you got married? It wasn't so you'd have someone to wash your clothes and cook your meals - or at least I hope it wasn't. Didn't you desire to share your life with the wife?

Then what changed? Whatever changed, it wasn't for the better if you're no longer enjoying life with her. Change it back. Think about what you lost when you got too busy, too important, too popular, too whatever to slow down, cherish her and enjoy life with her. Change that in a big way for today. And begin to change whatever necessary to enjoy life again, with the wife!

TODAY’S DARE

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your wife. Do something she would love to do or a project she’d really like to work on. Just be together.

Day 13 - Love Fights Fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.
—Mark 3:25

Do you fight fair? The best way to know isn't by checking the rules of the Geneva Convention. You don't need to call your uncle the lawyer or your granddad the retired police chief. Or your mom, either. Please don't ask her.

How you feel after a "fight" with your spouse, especially when you win, is a good indicator. You know, when you win but feel bad afterward? Something wasn't quite right, was it?

How your wife feels after the same fight is an ever better indicator. You can win the battle and still lose the war because you destroyed your best friend!

But the best indicator is how you feel about each other. Have you ever had a disagreement and felt closer to your wife afterwards? Now that's a marriage that is "fighting" fair! That's what you need to be working toward.

TODAY’S DARE

Talk with your wife about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If she is not ready for this, then do it for yourself, on your own. Write out your personal rules to abide by when the two of you argue. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.

Day 12 - Love Lets the Other Win

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
—Philippians 2:4

Getting the last word. Defending your reasons for your actions because she still doesn't understand. Harping on it one more time because, well, she was just wrong. Having to win.

Marrige killers, every last one of them.

The sad thing is when playing this game, no one wins - everyone loses. But when you let the other win, you both do. Try it. It's an awesome feeling to make someone else the winner.


TODAY’S DARE

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Make sure they know you are putting their choice ahead of your own.

Day 11 - Love Cherishes

Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church
—Ephesians 5:28-29

You know what minor surgery is, don't you? Surgery that someone else is having. If the doctor is cutting on you, no way would you consider it minor. Because it's your body. It's not close to you or around you. It's not something you own. It is YOU.

But so is SHE. When you said I do and God blessed your marriage, He made the two of you one. She is part of you. So if something happens to her it impacts you. If she is struggling, don't get impatient with her, you're supposed to struggle with her!

So today, cherish her. Spend some time thinking about her today. As often as you can, let your mind go to her.


TODAY’S DARE

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.

Day 10 - Love is Unconditional

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
—Romans 5:8

What does your wife deserve today? I am sure there are some things you wish she wouldn't do. Some things she could do to suit you better. But that's true for you, too. Love is unconditional. That means love does right, good, best no matter what the other person does.

But let's be honest. She lives with you. She deserves a lot just for that.

She probably cooks, cleans, even raises your kids. Picks up after you and most likely does more around the house than you do. She puts up with your stuff, whatever it is, and, if you don't push it too far, will laugh at your jokes and adore you for the rest of your lives together.

TODAY’S DARE

Do something out of the ordinary today for your wife —something that proves (to you and to her) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Again, be careful here. It will be easy to do something that is kinda for her but really is for you. Whatever you decide to do, make it a selfless effort.

Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy her favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to her for the sheer joy of being her partner in marriage.

Day 9 - Love Makes Good Impressions

Greet one another with a kiss of love. —1 Peter 5:14

Have you ever seen the 1980's sitcom Wonder Years? Remember how the dad always entered the house? He stormed in with a huff or a grunt, barely acknowledging anyone else's existence, requiring others to tiptoe around him. Always. He had to be a miserable man to live with.

Have you ever been that man? Too often? Lately? Make a decision. Not today. Or any day the rest of your life. Do you really want to be remembered as a miserable man to live with? For even one day?

Imagine the difference in the atmosphere of your home, in the attitude of your wife if you began again to greet her everyday the way you used to when you were dating?

TODAY’S DARE

Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for her.

Day 8 - Love is not Jealous

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire.
—Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Jealousy? In a marriage? How could that happen? I mean, shouldn't the term "jealous spouse" be an oxymoron?

But, unless you've dealt with a lot of couples and their needs you have no idea how much jealousy there is in a lot of marriages. Yet it isn't supposed to be that way. When you became a couple you were no longer 2 but 1. How does one half of a marriage become jealous of the other? There are many shallow reasons why but the real reason, the deep truth of it is insecurity.

There may be many causes of insecurity, too. But think about it - if you are secure in your relationship with your wife, if you know she is all about you, she loves you beyond anything else in the world, there is nothing to be jealous of - everything she has and is is also yours.

The same holds true for her - if she is secure in your marriage there is no reason for her to be jealous either. So today let's begin to jealous-proof our marriages. And how? By building your wife's confidence, assuring her of her place in your heart, and rejecting any thoughts of jealousy that may try to enter your heart.

TODAY’S DARE

Determine to be your wife's biggest fan. To help you set your heart on her and focus on her achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your wife how glad you are about a success she recently enjoyed.

Day 7 - Love Believes the Best

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things.
—1 Corinthians 13:7

Love believes the best. Think about that. The last couple days have been an exercise in seeing things from your wife's perspective and doing something about it. If you and your wife saw everything exactly the same then you and she might act exactly the same.

For example, wives are usually more concerned about security while husbands are more concerned about taking care of their family in a grand way. Sometimes that is reversed. But both are admirable traits - unless either is taken to the extreme, or when you lose the battle to do it your way!

Let's put a little more flesh on the example: The two of you manage to save an extra $500. As you are heading out the door to withdraw it from savings to make a downpayment on a surprise vacation, you're the one that is surprised. She joyfully announces that she withdrew it yesterday and socked it away in a 12-month CD because she got such an excellent rate. There was no right or wrong here. Both of you were going to do the same thing: surprise each other with the very best use of the money you could imagine. And down the road, hopefully, both of you will enjoy the fruit of either action.

So today's focus is to understand AND appreciate some of the positive and negative things you see in your wife. Remember, a lot of those "negatives" were traits you absolutely loved about her when you were dating!


TODAY’S DARE

For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. You'll need one of them tomorrow. At some point during the remainder of today, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Day 6 - Love is not Irritable

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.
—Proverbs 16:32

Women are different than us. What tempts you isn't necessarily what tempts her. One leading reason wives are tempted by outside relationships - I'm talking about having an affair - is when another man sees her in a different way than her husband does. And often it is simply that we don't have the time or take the time to see her anymore.

I don't mean physical appearance, you know, that you see her without makeup, wearing your old t-shirt around the house, or worse, to bed, while everyone else sees the dressed up perfectly-coiffed version. If you're not careful you will forget what you saw in her that made her worth pursuing. Not her looks but her self, her personality, her passions, her heart. And when a husband forgets those things about his wife, he opens the door for someone else to notice. And while they're noticing her, we're only paying attention to the things that irritate us. I'm not trying to alarm you. But I do want to help you divorce-proof your marriage! That's one of the strategies of these 40 days.

So yesterday you heard some things she isn't happy with. Today it's time to begin doing something about it. I hope you took it like a man. If you did you probably feel pretty good about yourself. Want to feel even better about yourself? Follow through on today's dare and begin taking steps to become the husband she wants, and needs.

TODAY’S DARE

1. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.

2. Begin right now, on your computer, making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.

3. Next, list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life so you can create that margin. Start today working on it and set a reminder to review it next Saturday.

If you're bold enough, share a couple of those in a comment below.

Day 5 - Love is not Rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. —Proverbs 27:14

OK, let me warn you. You need to go ahead and put your big boy pants on today. This is the toughest one yet for most of us.

Communication. Whatever your definition of that word, it has to include the fundamental aspect of being two way. Now, face it guys, we're good at the output part. But listening... hearing... understanding... and reacting appropriately is something we need to work on.

So today is not about you. As a matter-of-fact none of these 40 days are. They are about you being a better husband, a better man. And the challenge today is to not speak your mind but listen to hers.

TODAY’S DARE

Ask your wife to tell you three things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. For this to work you must do so without attacking her or justifying your behavior. This has to be from her perspective only. So ask, listen and don't reply. Be a man. And thank her and give her a hug.

Day 4 - Love is Thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
—Psalm 139:17–18


Before you got married, while dating your soon-to-be wife, you probably thought often of her. How she looked. How she made you feel. How she kissed. Things you liked about being with her.

But once you got married things changed - or at least they should. It's that selfishness thing again. Most of our pre-wedding thoughts, even the ones about our fiance, were selfish, all about what she meant to our life. Read that first paragraph again and you'll see what I mean. Even doing something nice was often to provoke a desired response. That's not what being thoughtful is. Our thoughts need to change.

Think about "her" today. Not how she relates to you. Think about her. What does she like? Not what likes do we share. What does she like to do? Not what do I like to do with her. What does she want? Not what does she want me to have. What does she need? Not what do we need or what does our house need.

TODAY’S DARE

Contact your wife sometime during the busy-ness of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how she is doing and if there is anything you could do for her. And don't end the conversation with, "While I have you on the phone..." Make it all about her. From hello to goodbye.

Day 3 - Love is not Selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. —Romans 12:10

A harsh thing happens when you get married.

For the last few years before marriage, you may have been on your own. During that time, you only had to worry about feeding yourself, taking care of one car, buying clothes that you liked. The budget was more simple, too. Even if you lived with your parents until the day you got married, there was a lot about your life that was selfish. Maybe not on purpose but you were the only person you had to think of. There was no one else that needed to eat, have the oil changed, cared about your clothes. There was no one else spending money out of your budget.

And don't argue with me that your fiance was very involved in all that. In reality we all know that we only did what we wanted to to make them happy. It was never about HAVE to. Until the day you got married.

And the day you got married, a harsh thing happened. You immediately went from #1 to #2. Yep, you are no longer #1. You are now #2. She is more important than you. Her wants are more important than yours. Don't just read Ephesians 5:22. It doesn't really address this issue. But verse 25 does: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Now those are powerful words - love her like Jesus loved! Whoa!

So there is no place for selfishness in marriage. You have to give up your"self" for her like Jesus did for everyone. And you didn't get any warning. You didn't get to ease into it. You went from 1st to 2nd in a breath. The one you used to say, "I do."

And when you have kids you go to #3, then #4, #5... Grandkids?

So when do you get to be #1 again? When you are all alone like you were before marriage. No wife, no kids, no grandkids. For your sake, I hope you never end up there again!

TODAY’S DARE

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.” But guys, even if she likes to go out on dates, buying her wrestle-mania tickets doesn't say, "I was thinking of you." Unless you have one weird wife.

Day 2 - Love is Kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
—Ephesians 4:32

Being married is about having a great relationship. And relationships are not just about refraining from doing the wrong thing, like yesterday's patience dare. It is also about doing the right thing.

Yesterday you had an excuse to do good - Valentine's Day. But today you can really make some progress in your relationship by doing something nice for your wife two days in a row. And imagine the impact of an act of kindness for no reason whatsoever! It may get her to wondering what's up, if she didn't somewhat expect it from the movie last Friday.

TODAY’S DARE

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Don't limit your thinking to buying something. That's easy. Give it some real thought.

Day 1 - Love is Patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
—Ephesians 4:2 NIV

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. The Love Dare book, on page 2, tells us that "Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human." There are a lot of reasons that we are impatient. But maybe the best reason to be patient is because nobody is perfect. And guys, that includes us.

When I consider all the mistakes I have made in my marriage...

And when I remember all those times that I KNOW Dava held her tongue to keep peace...

...it's time for more patience in my relationship. I wonder how often Dava has stressed over having to tell me about a little problem or mistake because she worried I would respond with a lecture? An impatient person is one of the most impossible people to live with.

TODAY’S DARE

For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

(Guys, please comment below because we need to hear from each other. It can be something funny, serious or heartfelt. But whichever it is, please comment often!)